GRANNY’S SECRET

I was given a computer for my tenth birthday---that is to say my very own. Of course I knew all about computers; how to use them; how to contact people on the Web; how to contact chums across the world on the Chat line; my mother, however, knew nothing about computers, and that is how the big THING was discovered.

It is a dangerous thing to a allow a child to have a computer of their own, especially in their own bedroom. They can get up to all sorts of things that their parents know nothing about! Well to be honest that is what grown ups think, but that is not how a child sees it! Grown ups are a nuisance because they are always telling you what is best for you, and you know very well that they don’t do it themselves.

 

Take going to bed early, what a pain, but we must go, its kind of good for us, but we know very well that it is only to get us out of the way. Of course when we go to bed we get up to our own thing. I had a secret line to my best friend at the next house; well two tin cans on the end of a piece of string which we could speak to one another with. We also had a secret society with our own codes—and we would never let girls into our secrets! Well until one day an older girl let us look at her you know what—I didn’t know what all the fuss was about, but I do now; especially when I discovered grannies secret!

As you know grannies are ladies who act silly with grandchildren. They tend to smell a bit funny, but they are pretty sharp when it comes to playing games---you play cards with my granny and she will take you to the cleaners. Also they are very keen on you keeping clean, they forever wiping your face, asking you to wipe your shoes, looking behind your ears. Of course they are an easy touch for a pay-out, but they have a tendency to lose touch with modern values.

 

Also they have always been married to a funny looking bloke with a moustache, who’s picture, amongst many others, is on her sideboard. Oh, also grannies are always old, and do knitting and set out the flowers in the church, and do GOOD things for people. My granny was even in the church choir, and was a very good friend of the Pastor; as things turned out that only seemed to make matters worse! Oh and they like to kiss you!

Of course grannies are your mother’s mother, can you imagine that! Now dads don’t seem to be to keen on them for some reason or other; they don’t seem very happy when they come to visit, my dad always had an important job in the garage. And if she comes to stay he always seemed to be on edge, but after the big secret got out he always seemed happy to see her; lots of nodding and winking! I quite like her to visit because in the mornings I can go and play in her bed, but after the big secret I was not allowed in her bed! Well I should think not, I am almost twelve now!   

 
Now lets get back to this computer (that I was given by my mum) that started all the trouble. And I must say its all my mum’s fault, if she had only knocked on the door, instead of just barging in, well no one would have ever known!

When my mum bought this computer from the store, (she was a bit cheesy on the spec!), she had a security lock put on it, to stop me looking at things she thinks I shouldn’t see. What this means is that a programme can be initiated that stops access to certain things on the Web, well we know what sort of things don’t we! And we know what happens if you order children not to do things, well they go straight ahead and do it!

And so it was with the Web restriction!

Now I had a mate who knew all about these things, everybody does, don’t they? And they are only too pleased to show off, and show you things. If my mother knew what I know now, and what I have seen, she would have a fit, and I would have to stay in my room forever.  Well I bet by now you are getting intrigued as to what this is all about, well patience, the world was about to fall in on My Granny!

My mate had the lock uninstalled, as they say in computer speak, and we were into the web, and then it happened!! He had heard his dad talk about Southern Charms, he thought he meant the good manners that Southern people have, you know you’ve seen those old movies, but his dad and his mate did go on about it a lot. So my mate said lets have a look at these Southern Charms. Wow, what a knock-out! I realy shouldn’t tell you how to do this, but what the hell.

 

You access a web browser, that’s a device that will search the whole of the internet for the information you want, and simply type in www. Southern charms, in less than a split second you are there, and the screen invites you view these ladies.

 

Well we did, and all it seemed was a load of old crows standing about in their undies, well alright, ladies in states of undress, well if that what his dad was on about they didn’t seem very charming to me.  What a turn off, and that would have been the end of that if my dad had not left the computer on one day, and guess what was on the screen, you’ve got it in one, Southern Charms!

Well now, how can I put this delicately, we now saw some ladies in more that undress. My first thoughts that this must be some kind illustrated medical dictionary which showed some anatomical parts I had not seen before. Perhaps my dad was secretly studying to become a doctor, but these pictures did seem to concentrate on certain body parts, I looked in the dictionary and gynaecological seemed to fit the bill.

 

He must have been very dedicated because there 147 different ladies to pick from! It was then that I saw it, or more precisely her. I was idly panning through the pictures when there was one I thought I recognised, they are what is known in the trade as ‘thumb’ size, that is, quite small, so I had to look closely, and yes, it looked very much like my granny!

 

This required some investigation, so I called in my mate.  He was intrigued, to say the least, or to be more exact he let out aloud whistle, and said something like ‘Groovy’, and kind of sat back amazed, I then realised he wasn’t looking at my granny exactly. When I pointed out what he was supposed to be looking at he said to be sure it needed to be bigger, and for that he would have call in an older mate who new about these things!

Jerry Dee was three grades up from us, he was nearly sixteen, and it was reported round the neighbourhood that he knew a thing or to about girls, and such things, and was an ideal ‘man’ for the job, and so he was enlisted to help ! Unfortunately for us, and for granny, and as it turned out for the Pastor, my mum also knew of his reputation, and it also turned out to be the equivalent of the end of the world as we knew it. My dad escaped by just keeping shtum. Any rate on that fateful afternoon she nearly blew a fuse.

It was one of those free afternoons that teachers are so fond of, they had some research to do so we were sent home! And so me and my mate settled down in front of the computer and called up the folder Southern Charms, and waited for Jerry to arrive and reveal all.  And so he did, in spades!

My mother turned into the drive from a visit to the shopping mall when the next door snitch came out and said in his whining voice, ‘I see your son is a friend of Jerry Dee,’

 

‘I don’t think so,’ she said in her telephone voice.

 

‘Funny,’ he said, ‘ He went in your house half an hour ago.’

 

She dropped her bags, charged through the door, and rushed up the stairs, expecting the worst, and so it was, bursting through the door she saw granny in flago delecto in full colour on the computer screen.

 

 I could see the words forming on her lips, ‘What do think

you are do-----,‘ but then she recognised the picture on the screen, it was her MOTHER!

‘What the---,‘ ‘How did y----,’ ‘Oh my god,’ she held her head as if it was going to burst.

 

‘Oh my god,’ she aid in a despairing sort of voice.

 

‘Oh my god------,’ she kind of drew that out as if the shock at what it implied hit home, and then, ’That’s my mother, what can she be do-----.’

 

Then she realised that three boys were sitting watching this with big smirks on their faces, and she looked slightly dazed, and then held her hand to her throat and started to colour up, she kind of stumbled towards the computer, and flapped her hands at the screen.'

 

‘Turn that of immediately,’ now I recognised that immediately, that was her school teacher voice.

 

Oh didn’t I mention that she was a teacher at the local school, and that Jerry was in her class!

 

‘I think I’ll go now Mrs Jones,’ and sauntered out of the room with a knowing glance at my mother! My mate just scampered off, leaving me to face the music, of course it was my fault!

 

 

The world wide web connects all computers  together like a  spider’s web connects  all its points together. A web site is like the page of a sales catalogue that you can access to buy . things. There are thousands of web sites offering the widest range of information or services imaginable. They keep an automatic record of every visit, called hits, and the hits on grandmas’ site accelerated in the following weeks, as Jerry Dee spread the word!

 

Suddenly, to grandmas surprise, she was treated with more respect and help than she had ever experienced before, although it was done with a certain sly knowingness, and, ‘You are looking well,’ as a salutation, had a salacious ring to it.

 

Doors were opened, people stood aside for her in the super market, assistants offered to carry her groceries out to her car, young boys couldn’t stop grinning, and older men looked somewhat guilty, but couldn’t help preening somewhat, and asking if they could help in anyway.

 

She even had a call from her doctor, which surprised, and puzzled her, when he said she looked in good health! The call from the Pastor was not so friendly!

In our house it was like the out break of war! There was a silent tension, relieved by the sudden banging of a pot on the stove, meals were eaten in silence, my mother was strangely silent with a haunted look  about her, and occasionally there was a spasmodic twitch to her eye, a tick I think its called.

 

Now the effect on my dad was another matter altogether, although he kept his own council, as well he might, he seemed somehow taller, as if not being subservient to my mother. He seemed to have more authority in his presence, although from time to time a strange smile came across his face as if he was privy to some secret, as indeed I found he was.

 

Any rate it couldn’t go on, and one day the damn gates burst and the phoney war was over, ‘WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?’ she burst out one day to my fathers surprise. What indeed I thought! But the most stupendous family argument ensued!
In the meantime I thought I had better do a little research myself, since I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about.

 

Now this meant asking about things that I shouldn’t even know about, let alone have an interest in. Who to go to, why, non-other than grandma! But before I could do that she was summoned to a family tribunal! I of course position myself to observe the proceedings.

She came tripping up the path not aware, it would seem, that the sky was about to fall in on her! I must say there was a certain skitishness in her walk, as if she was enjoying herself, my dad certainly wasn’t, since he had been ordered to open the proceeding.

 

‘Come in MOTHER, and sit down,’ ordered my mother. I new that voice, it usually meant trouble for some miscreant at school, if the cane had still been allowed it would have meant six-of-the-best. Some what puzzled granny sat down, not being used to being spoken to like that.

 

‘Yes, MONICA,’ she answered in like voice.

 

Whoops, I’d never heard that tone before, she was usually so demure, this promised to be a bit of a to-do.

 

My dad tried to calm things down by saying, ‘We are not here to judge you,’ no exactly a diplomatic opening!

 

‘Judge me!’ that sounded as if she thought he was dog dirt!

 

‘Judge me indeed!’, this time it was indignant.

 

’And what have you to judge me about?’. This time the tone was challenging.

 

I began to see my granny in a different light, maybe she knew more than she was letting on. My dad sensibly shut up. In any case I think he was secretly admiring of her, in both ways, if you know what I mean.

 

My mum chimed in, to make matters worse, ‘You have brought disgrace on the family.’

 

 

‘Hmm’ exclaimed granny folding her arms, ‘And in what way would that be?’.

My mum and dad looked at one another as if waiting to see who would spit it out. ‘Come on what’s stuck in your craw?’.

 

Was this my granny speaking, wow she wasn’t giving any quarter!

 

‘Well for a start its all round the school, you have made my position impossible,’ said my mother in a more conciliatory tone.

 

‘Your position----and what might that be, on your back!’ 

                                                                         

Wow, and wow, that was a low one. There was a deathly silence around the table, dad looked sharply at mum, and she stared daggers at her mother! At that moment there was a knock on the door…….it was the Pastor!

‘Oh,’  he said, ‘Have I called at inconvenient time.’ Have you, I thought! 

 

‘Err, no,’ said my dad, but if looks could kill the Pastor would have been knocking on the pearly gates that instant.

 

‘Ah, Dotty,’ he greeted my granny in a some what gritty tone, for the first time she looked abashed, ‘I’ve been looking for you.’

 

Now what, this was getting better by the minute?

 

‘What is the meaning of this?’ he demanded placing what looked like a photograph on the table.

 

They all stared in amazement at it. I of course couldn’t see it, but it certainly brought proceedings to a sharp halt. There was a sharp intake of breath; mum looked as if she was going to faint, dad put on a show of looking suitably shocked, but he had the look of the guilty party!

 

Granny brazened it out. ‘We were just cooking in the kitchen,’ she said as if pointing out the obvious to a child.

 

‘But that’s my wife!’ exclaimed the Pastor with some passion!

 

‘In the nude,’ observed my mum, in a dying sort of voice as though she’d never seen anyone nude before.

 

Come to think of it I’ve never seen her starker's, so she’d probably never seen her mum in the buff.  

  

‘Yes, in the NUDE,’ said the Pastor more forcefully, ‘And holding arms!’

 

‘It was a very hot afternoon, and she felt a bit unsteady,’ grannies voice took on a slightly wistful air.

 

‘ But you are naked,’ this  came out as if a proclamation from the pulpit.

 

‘I s’pose we are,’ said granny in a rather resigned way, ‘It was very hot,’ as if that explained everything.

 

‘And what about this,’ he slammed another photo down on the table. 

 

‘We were just having a little dance,’ granny’s bravado was beginning to wear a bit thin as if she new what was coming.

 

‘AND HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS!’, by now the Pastor was using his sternest retribution voice as he slammed another photo down….damnation was at hand for granny.

 

‘I….t was just a little kiss!’

 

‘A LITTLE KISS BE DAMNED’

 

With that I fell off the landing leaning over too far to see the offending photo, and was rushed to hospital with a broken femur !

 

Shortly after that the unique Southern Charms was withdrawn, and granny took the real secret to her grave…………….Who took the photographs?