Horny Goat Weed

 

It came unexpectedly. It was not mysterious to begin with, but why, or from whom was strange. The postman gave it to me as I was putting the car away, a long cylindrical package. There was a handful of letters and circulars, as there always are, mostly from Saga, the OAP travel company. We went once and they never let you off the hook.

 

Anyway I put the bundle of letters down on the kitchen table and laid the cylinder beside them. I had something else to do so I just left them there, anyway most letters seem to be for my wife. I was settled down to read the paper when my wife came storming into the room,

’What’s this then, you gone barmy?’

 

Wives of long standing normally use this aggressive tone, not ’My love what is this you’ve bought?’

I look up, not knowing what to expect, it could be anything. I quickly search my memory for any misdemeanour that I might be caught out on and played safe by adopting a noncommittal tone.

’Yes my love?’

‘You said you would never have anything to do with this kind of thing.’

This sounds worse than I thought. I take a defensive position.

‘And what could that be?’

‘Look at this,’ she said with some disdain, ’I didn’t order this.’

 

She hands me an invoice form. I peruse it with some care, a lot might hang on my response. Over forty years I’ve learnt that innocence is the safest. I allow a smile. Her name is on the top.

‘Well, well, well, what could this be for?’

‘You know what it’s for. I want to know why you sent for it?’

‘Me. Why would I do that?’

‘Don’t come the innocence with me. Is this your idea of a joke?’

I suppressed a further smile.

‘If it is, the jokes on me’ I respond.

This stymies her for a moment.

‘You don’t need this, your still………….’ she peters off.

‘Yes, my love?’ I question, gaining the advantage.

‘Well I don’t like the idea of it.’ she throws at me as she flounces out of the room.

 

I take the half opened package in my hand and strip away all the paper. It contains two circular pill boxes. I read the invoice. Buy one get one free, thirty tablets in each; £6.50. Not bad, I think cynically, 10p a tablet! However not bad if it does what it says. I open the box. There at the bottom are thirty brown tablets. I stare at them and contemplate their asserted power.

 

I have to admit to certain frisson at the thought. I have reached the stage where the spirit is willing but the body is weak, and I have to admit my stamina is not what it was. I read the blurb on the side of the box. Heavens if it does what it says it does somebody’s in for a big surprise, well to be more precise, two people I know. A brown tablet a day. I think about that, well why not, nothing to lose. I notice that it says take several before, that is, if you are expecting action. I return to reading my paper, but I can’t help noticing my hand trembling a bit at the anticipation.

 

I think of my wife’s parting words and a silent response comes to mind; ‘well I do.’

At first nothing happened. Well I did not expect it to. Part of my wife’s ire was that I had always ridiculed the healing powers of these herbs and supplements as so much hokum. O K I allowed that certain plants had provided pain relieving qualities - I always quote aspirin as an example, oh, and then there is quinine, but these were proven drugs, now here I was prepared to try one because it had libido enhancing qualities! ’Typical’, as my wife was quick to point out. Well at my age I thought it was worth a try, and, she would be the beneficiary.

’Yer, once a month to twice’, she scorned! She was about to regret that!

 

Well nothing happened for some time, although strangely I did feel quite well. I have to confess to having a heart condition which makes me out of breath with any exertion, and that had started to drag on me but I found that I could do things without discomfort, like getting the bins in and out, doing the hoovering (my Saturday morning job). One sunny morning I even walked down to the corner shop to get the paper - I normally went the short distance by car! Then a strange thing happened. I was shaving.

 

Looking in the mirror it seemed that my face was longer. I turned this way and that to see if it was some distortion in the mirror, you know the type that make you seem fatter or thinner. But no my face seemed longer. As one does I dismissed it as some aberration and tried to forget it, but no, there did seem to be change. Then I was drying my head after a shower and could see two distinct bumps on my head. I put my hand up in some alarm but couldn’t feel any thing. Its these damn mirrors I thought, its about time we had a new one.

 

At lunch I looked across at my wife wondering if she could see anything.

‘What are you staring at,’ she asked.

‘Do I look different to you?’ I asked in a diffident manner.

‘You mean, from you,’ she smiled, taking the mickey.

’No you dick, do I look different?’ I responded in kind.

‘No, how do you mean?’

‘Oh, nothing.’ Best left alone I thought.

 

So I continued to take the tablets, not so much feeling better or more sprightly for my age as somehow more formidable. Where before I had agreed with all my wife said, and been nice, I now felt……no, funny I didn’t actually feel anything, I just felt, well formidable! I’m not sure that my wife felt any change, although she must have been suspicious of something going on as without warning I would sweep her into my arms and slip my hand down the back of her knickers! I was also becoming more positive.

 

Where I was used to debating in my head the pros and cons of some issue, what in fact was not an issue at all, I found that I was simply acting on what was and what wasn’t. I didn’t think, I just did.

 

 

I realised when one day I had to go to the doctors, and only a lady doctor was available, that things were changing. I had been trying get up the courage to ask for some Viagra, you know the sex pill, and I had decided to go and talk over my heart problem as an excuse before broaching the subject.

 

‘Only a lady doctor available,’ the receptionist said.

I felt a sudden urge, a desire, a power surge.

‘Show me to her,’ I heard myself say, with some surprise.

The receptionist looked up at me with a quizzical expression.

‘Please take a seat,’ she indicated.

 

I sat on one of the chairs as close as possible to the little speaker they use to call you - I’m partly deaf as well - so that I would not miss my name. I couldn’t stop my foot tapping in anticipation.

‘Mr Young, room three.’

 

I heard that plain as day! I stood up. Was that something that swished behind me? I walked across the reception and came face to face with the devil. Well not quite, but it was me, or at least I thought it was. Were they horns I saw, and a goatee beard? What was all that hair doing on the back of my hand? I looked back at the receptionist in some alarm but apparently she saw nothing. ’Room three’, she mouthed. Ah, room three came into my head, well lets see what she makes of it, Doc!

 

‘Well what can I do for you Mr. Young,’ she asked.

‘Quite a lot.’ I answered without thinking.

 

I focussed on her stethoscope hanging down between her ample bosoms. As she turned away from her desk to take a closer look at me her skirt rode up above her knee. I felt the power, the sexual urge, and before I knew where I was I had stepped forward slipped one hand between her thighs and the other at the back of her head.

‘Kiss on this babe,’ I commanded.

 

Astonished at my violation I stepped back in alarm, and sat on the chair as a sweat came over me. Dr Smart remained composed.

‘And what would that be?’ she said.

I was confused until I realised that she was answering my first reply.

‘Well I need some help with my sex life,’ I said matter-of-factly.

She smiled,

’ Don’t we all.’

 

Hell, this is a cool babe, I thought to myself, I wonder if she fancies a bit of you-know-what here and now. In a doctors surgery, now there’s something to chew on. I checked myself. Looking across the surgery I caught sight of myself in a small mirror, Jeeesus, were my eyes coloured red, and were they horns?

 

‘You look a bit flushed, is everything OK?’

She stood up and put her hand on my brow. There was a feint whiff of body odour as her bosoms swung close to my face, kinda musky. Suddenly my loins were on fire.

‘Hell I godda go Doc.’

‘But you said you wanted help?’

‘You’ve given all I need.,

She sat down, looking at me quizzically, brushing her skirt down over nylon covered thigh.

‘Anytime you need me, you know, just call in.’

 

I sat in my car trying to recover. What the hell had come over me. Had I really accosted her? Didn’t she see that I was a devil. I rubbed my brow, it seemed perfectly smooth. I looked down at my hands - no hairs. I looked in the mirror and there was that Devils grin. I was caught for a moment in time - I certainly recognised that grin. I found myself humming that old Doctor Hook song and sang out the second line, ’If I said you were an Angel would you treat me like the Devil tonight?’

I drove away. Who needs Viagra?

 

I sat in my chair ruminating on what must have been an hallucination, otherwise I would now be occupying a police cell, when my wife came home.

‘It’s only me,’ she shouted.

I heard her banging about in the kitchen.

‘Was everything all right?’

‘Of course ,’ I shouted back.

She came into the lounge.

’I mean did you get want you wanted.’

‘Err, no, not exactly,’ I offered, thinking what should I say.

‘She said I may have to go back.’

‘She?,’ she queried. ’Who did you see?’

‘Doctor Smart.’

 

In view of what had happened, or thought had happened, I thought I had better play this carefully.

‘My heart, you know,’ I offered in an attempt to forestall any further questions. She was smarter than that though. She looked at me a bit old fashioned.

‘I thought you went to get Viagra.’

Was there a shade of threat there, the tone she used reminded me of my mother, ’Have you washed behind your ears.’

Careful now you can dig a hole here, I thought.

‘She wanted to make sure my heart was OK.’

‘So you discussed your problem?‘ she asked, matter of factly.

 

I was getting irritated by this line of questioning, I felt something swish behind me in the chair, was that something I could feel on my forehead?

Without realising it I was standing up towering over her.

‘What problem,’ I demanded in an authoritive voice.

All of a sudden she seemed so small . There was a flicker of surprise in her eye. She smiled in that wifely way they use when dealing with contrary husbands.

‘Ah, well. I’ll get the lunch,’ she offered.

 

Before I knew it I had her in my arms. A strange power came over me. I was suddenly the macho lover. I gave her a kiss of fire, a current of desire swept through me. Her skirt was around her waist as I wrenched her knickers down. The insertion was swift. I plunged on, uncaring for her cries. I turned her over in the chair and from behind thrusted to my conclusion with a burst of energy.

 

I looked down at my hands holding her hips in a mighty grip, surely they were covered in hairs! I stepped back, wiping my lips. I felt a roar come up into my throat, it felt as if I was about to breathe fire. I looked up to the mirror and the Devil was grinning back at me.

As she rearranged her clothes, she said,

‘I think I must really get that lunch now!’

 

Lunch was a silent affair. I was in a turmoil as to what to say. Somehow I thought an apology was due. Married sex is somehow an invitation to the dance, not some thing taken by force. And yet something stopped me demeaning myself and the act of flagrant power. But was this me, or was it those tablets?

 

The next day when I went to get a tablet the container was empty!

I looked in the mirror and the devils grin was a bit lop sided, as if to say ‘Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, you‘d best try Viagra.’

 

Sometimes in the dead of night I feel that urge, that tail flicks, but I’m an old married man and turn over to go to sleep. Hey ho!